Broken, but not without a message.

Doing a bit of clean up after early breakfast, so many thoughts already swirling, I’d done my morning pages, I’d listened to the sexy voice of a guided meditation on Insight Timer “Morning Meditation with Music” that told me to ‘Have a Magical Day’ at the end.
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It’s a gorgeous day outside . . . and then I got to thinking about how I wish I could be a bit better as speaking up for myself in some instances.

I can sometimes find it much easier to defer to the stronger voice, in outside conversation, the one who is sounding much more sure of herself/himself and choose to be quiet and not say what my heart feels is true for me right now.

 

and then . . .

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I was brushing at the tea stains inside one of my favourite cups and it fell from my hands and smashed to pieces in my sink.

I gently picked up the pieces and put them in the bin.

Then I paused . . . I got a message in this moment, the thoughts I had been thinking were diminishing my power and not at all beautiful. I opened the cupboard, and scooped up the pieces, they had more to say and I was ready to listen. I took these photos and that stirred the desire to write about these feels.

You see, this cup has meaning for me, it’s a treasured gift from my daughter, it’s my favourite colour, it whispers to me of Japan and the family holiday we enjoyed there. It has a delicate pattern against a bright red background, which reminds me of the base chakra and power and I AM STRONG presence. It’s ‘no 15’ on the quirky, tea cup oracle I made for the fun of sharing my cups with others.

So, I wanted to take one last photo of it and really see the beauty and GET the message, STOP PUTTING YOURSELF DOWN!, Stop that nonsense of being concerned that your choices for yourself, chosen carefully and wisely are not right for you. STOP THAT RIGHT NOW! This cup smashing in my sink was for me, an exclamation mark !  STOP THAT SHIT RIGHT NOW!

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I see a messy ‘rose’ like shape, and tea stains from the many pours of tea I have sipped from this perfect vessel. I see beauty that is broken, but a gift in my hand. Gratitude for the gift it has been and also given me in it’s broken’ness.

A reminder.

A wake up call.

Already the gentle optimist in me whispers, it’s ok, we have so many more cups. This one broke but it’s not been without a gift.

It’s a thoughtful start to my Chooseday morning, if you would enjoy a visit to my tea cup oracle, it’s here. 

with love,

 

Denise.

Already the gentle optimist in me whispers, it’s ok, we have so many more cups. This one broke but it’s not been without a gift. xo

Two Months to ‘ Be’.

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Two months is what I feel I was gifted this year to simply ‘be’. From 24th April – 24th June I minded a friends home and her sweet cat.  I told extended family members I would be out of range for two months to have a kind of self imposed retreat and take time to seriously consider what is not working in my life and what really needs to be set down. I also chose to ditch facebook for the most part only checking it rarely, THAT was the most wonderful rest giver, my nervous system seemed to vibrate with pure relief.

Some of my most signifant of these ‘things’ weighing me down is the stories of a childhood that had me marinating in beliefs, stories and ways of being that well and truly have past their use by date for me now in my late forties, yet I or my sub-conscious was still clinging to them like a damp spider web, you can’t quite brush it off when it gets all over you no matter how hard you try. Guilt and fear drive a life of suffering.

So, I took some art supplies and a very large license to do as I please and release some of the judgements, pain and suffering I’d been fostering and gathering, and ‘running me’ for way too long.

The location was extremely supportive of this resolve, it was quiet and very near to the sea, with a tidal movement that you had to check on if you wanted to walk on the sand it was only possible when the tide was out.

It’s a bit of a long and personal story the goings on inside my head, but I did want to share how it actually took months of considering all the possibilites and responsibilities in my life to finally come to a place of acknowledging the strong YES my body gave me at the first mention of the invitation “would you like to mind my house while I go away”.

I don’t know that I could have allowed myself to do this (separate myself from life as I know it) a few years ago, I used to be driven quite mad by very loud and strong inner critics. Since committing to build self compassion into my cells and being, my life experience has been changing ‘miraculously’.

All the ‘shoulds and do the right things’ and ‘how can you be so selfish?’ and ‘what will they think’ had much less power, they were just noise and not for my highest good, I knew that. . . . I wanted to step out of the rule book and do this in whatever way showed up as feeling right at the time.

As the days stretched into weeks I was AMAZED at the many joyful moments that overtook me, the warmth of the sun on my face as I walked along the shore, or saw the sun setting any night at all.  I also noticed the deep rest in my body, as a highly sensitive empath I had been stretching myself to the limit taking on or feeling other people’s stuff and energy, with or without them knowing, it’s always felt like an automatic thing. I am learning more about changing that.

So, ‘selfishly’ taking two months to not be around people on the whole was profound!

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I am extremely grateful for the experience and seek to bring the deep inner peace home with me. Reminding myself often that I get to choose how I respond to the happenings around me. I am capable of holding more joy, let me be open to that always.

As this page in my artjournal says, “set this tea-loving sensitive soul free” and I believe I did.

Another magical thing . . .

that happened was the seemingly random yet perfectly timed visit from a rather beautiful chicken.  I was actually have a bit of anxiety at driving a car that wasn’t mine from a tricky spot and chose to sit in the drivers seat, in the garage and breath into the uncomfortable feeling, and even said to myself, “I’m not driving out of here until I feel ready”. Next moment, I’m not kidding… I heard the unmistakable sound of a chicken ‘briiiiirk, briiiiiiirk, briiiiirking her way right into the entry way of the garage where I was sitting, peering at me with a questioning look in her eye.

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The cute and very synchronistically magical part of this was that I had very recently sent a “Little dd” image to a fabulous author, Marilyn Jenett,  featuring one of her quotes from her very helpful book Feel Free to Prosper . In my image I had chosen to have Little dd speaking to a chicken… I happen to find much delight in the innocence, quirkiness and simply beingness of chickens.

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I fed Ms Chicken sunflower seeds and water for a couple of days until her minders spotted her and returned her safely to where she had come from.

bye for now,

Denise x


Free online Creative Retreat … meet 16 teachers and create your heart out over two days.

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PUSSY: A Reclamation. book review

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Pleasure page by DDaffara

Well.. Hello there

PUSSY: A Reclamation : by Regina Thomashauer

WOW, What a read! This book is so diametrically opposed to the catholic upbringing I was ‘lucky’ enough to have, that I’m still digesting some of the information to be honest. But I really want to chat about it.. here with a sip of my tea (large cup, black chai with fresh ginger boiled first, then coconut milk and honey added, strained, perfect) seems like a fair enough place to start.

This idea of Pleasure being the opposite of suffering, and we are each responsible for our own pleasure! How empowering is THAT!?

It’s become more and more curious and annoying to me over the years how much attention the christian church, and religion as a whole really, puts on sexuality and seemingly most of all on the sexual behaviour of girls and women, it’s seen as a massive sin to enjoy sex with another person if you’re not married, or indeed ‘gasp’ pleasure yourself.

The tendancy to judge, judge, judge really focuses so much on what ‘everyone else’ is doing ‘wrong’, it’s something that still makes be feel SO MAD when I have conversations with that mind set.

anyway… i digress …

One of the most FABULOUS things I read about that Mama Gena encourages and fully endoreses is, Bragging! Ha ha ha ha , I can hear the cringe on many faces. I used to be in that thought camp too but I have decided to take down that metaphorical tent and put the leaky, stupid, too small thing in the bin!

Again, perhaps why we’re so opposed to ‘bragging’ is that it was seen as vulgar, and big noting oneself and not at all polite. It’s no wonder then that the automatic flow on effect of self deprecation became the norm. Not only the norm; Australia is practically celebrated for that talent.. NZ a likely close runner in that field too in my bold opinion. Tall poppy syndrome is another very undermining practice.

So,… no to bragging, but yes to self deprecation… and what do you get? A room full of people given full permission to complain and whinge about all the things they can think of that are going wrong in their lives, because god forbid they share a bunch of things that are going right as they might be seen as skiting and full-of-themselves?

Excuse me, but how fuqed up is that? Oh and don’t mistake this for connection and friendship, this is energy sucking fuel for depression, ill health and woefully low self esteem. It’s basically toxic. We have to give ourselves permission to heal this insidious behaviour pattern. In my experience, it’s not easy, it runs very deep, generationally deeeeep. Obviously I’m not talking about genuine sharing with a view to healing a current hurt or pain, that’s quite different.

I actually want to participate in the opposite of that, I want to have gatherings where people share what is bringing them joy, what breakthroughts have they experienced, what do they feel is going right in their lives. This idea of bragging is saying at least three things that you’re jazzed about, and hearing three more things from the one you’re chatting to. YES PLEASE I want what she’s having.

I believe the more we can achieve this kind of connecting and sharing the more a massive shift of wellbeing will take place in our lives. What you focus on you make larger, stronger, bigger, more.

I’m currently having a couple of months kindof sabbatical/retreat, away from my home, house sitting and minding a handsome cat named Charlie. It’s been really eye and heart opening for me to be alone for the first time in pretty much ever for this amount of time.. and see how my thoughts and feelings dip and dive, and rise and soar .. all by what I focus on.

Being alone is giving me a stronger clearer perspective how much I tend to allow others energy to influence my feeling state. I need to understand more fully the nature of being highly sensitive and empathic, while implementing strong healthy boundaries.

Another valuable activity Mama Gena endoreses is SWAMPING.. when you get down and dirty with the dark emotions that come up in your thoughts/life/psyche … she encourages us to dress appropriately.. perhaps grunge like.. whatever floats your boat.. and put on some big music that can hold your anger and rage and let loose in a safe place with your feels. Like .. literally go wild!

How Healthy! I love this idea very much, given that I find myself having an unreasonable tendancy toward being mad as a freakin hornet … actually not unreasonable … in relation to my awareness and thoughts of how the patriarchal system has oppressed women and children and men most likely too, … makes me MAD AS HELL AND I DON’T WANT TO TAKE IT ANYMORE.

Another piece that comes to mind is the Gratitude and Appreciation factor. Mama Gena reminds us to be grateful and… when you do receive actions, behaviours, gifts from someone, to show appreciation for them. Let people know you appreciate what they have done for you. Such simple things, but you know how much of a difference it makes when you receive a heart felt Thank You for something you’ve done or said.

I am deeply moved by this book, I feel like I need to re-read it already to pick up and take in more deeply what it has to offer.

I am SO GRATEFUL to Mama Gena for bravely writing it and putting it out there, she has gone through her own trials and pain, which could have rendered her energetically small and helpless, but how damb lucky is the world that she rose above that to bring us her School of Womanly Arts and all the goodies that have flowed from that, including this book.

Wishing I could pop over to New York and do her course, that would freak this introverted artist out, but in a good way I feel.

Ohhhhhh I almost forgot! Another of Mama Gena’s tips… is to do Spring Cleaning … this is most effectively done with a partner/listener. You bring up a topic that has a ‘charge’ for you… like ‘Pleasure’.

The listener would begin by asking you in a non emotive tone, simply … “So, Denise, what do you have on Pleasure?” and I would respond with a comment, whatever is on the tip of my tongue. Then the Listener would say “Thank you, what do you have on pleasure?” .. and again, I’d answer …. (repeat for 20 mins)

The idea is that you take 20 minutes to empty out your thoughts on that one topic.. it can be really interesting what comes out of our own minds/hearts/mouths. I was first introduced to this idea over pizza with a fabulous woman named Ti whom I met in California.. she was a student of Mama Gena’s and I was dazzled by her talk of pleasure.

Not surprising to me.. I am ending this ‘review’ without speaking too much about the sexual pleasure aspect that Mama Gena is NOT shy to expound on I am not so brave (yet) when it comes to this part of the conversation, but I fully endorse everybody’s freedom to love and be loved in whatever consenting ways they choose to. And indeed love themselves outrageously too.

I am convinced that there is so much wisdom in this pleasure filled tome. It’s controversial, and hugely empowering and magnificently freeing for women.

Here’s to the Sister Goddesses of the world and the ground breaking way they are breaking through old, disempowering, suffocating patriarchal ways.

with pleasure,

Denise x

PUSSY: A Reclamation : by Regina Thomashauer


art journal page DDaffara
art journal page while on retreat

Sage Priestess & Me

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Hello there,

Today I would like to introduce you to one of my somewhat secret loves, the path and presence of Sage Priestessing.

I have been steeping myself in the teachings/sharings and circles of Vanessa Sage for about 2 years and it has been having a deeply restorative and profound effect on my life.

The most significant of these would be the mentoring of holding sacred circle space, this is the piece that has risen to the surface to take precedence over much else for me. I called upon this knowing, sensing, beingness at a time when I most needed it . . . sitting at my Mothers bedside for her last days on earth. (Jan 2016) I would not have been able to hold the space the way I did had I not integrated this knowing that I did not have to do anything except be present with my Mother, and let her take her own journey, and of course provide any support service I was able to in a practical way, alongside my family, nurses, carers etc.

So, my experience of Priestess is one more of showing up and being present to what is required from me to the best of my ability rather than calling myself that by name.

There is an opportunity for you to join Vanessa and nurture, meet, tend and unfurl your inner Priestess.

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If you find yourself curious about the path of Priestess . . . I encourage you to check out Vanessa’s amazing website that has such a divine sense of sacred beauty.

I am honoured to be part of the Priestess Certification program – I will meet you there as one of the Melissa Priestesses. This means I help hold the space of the container and hold Temple Space within the program at various new or full moon times.

Vanessa has opened up registration to join her deeply sacred and life affirming work, you can choose from Sage Priestess – Self Study  and also Sage Priestess Certification.

I highly recommend Vanessa as a wise, kind, wonderful teacher who leads by her wildly vulnerable and powerful example.

I have a spot in this beautiful, comprehensive Sage Priestess Self-Study course to giveaway. If you would like to go into the draw to win that,  please send an email to me, at art@denisedaffara.com.au with Priestess Giveaway in the subject heading, and a sentence or two sharing what it would mean to you, or what draws you to this opening. The winner will be drawn later in April and notified via email.

Warmest wishes to you

love Denise.

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Alchemy of Emotions

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Sometimes I ‘baulk’ at the idea of naming a collection of paintings or coming up with a theme for an exhibition… so as a bit of a continuing the conversation on from last years paintings with Jassy and BJ “Dreaming into Being” … this bunch on display at The NAC I am calling. “Alchemy of Emotions” … I reckon I could paint with that name for the rest of my days to be honest. I also find it hard to come up with dazzling names for the paintings and often opt for the obvious and literal . . . it’s not as important to me as the FEELS. 
It’s a bit over a year since the last longish painting session I had… around the time of my Mother’s crossing over… so these ones have a lot of ‘windows’ in them, I’m in a seeking and listening mode in my life, nearing the end of my forties, and approaching empty nest years . . . I relished the sense of freedom and ANYTHING GOES that I gave myself in these works, I imagined I wanted to paint quite calm, mostly white canvases.. with smaller pieces of colour and distinct marks… but no.. that wasn’t to be this time around. I instead felt drawn to making drips and marks, some recognisable shapes and plenty of flora and fauna like growth. Many seeds are being planted this year, internally and externally. I imagine an orchard growing up over the coming years.. not simply a single lone plant.
Apparently all of our emotions stem from just these four; fear, anger, sadness, and joy. In my artwork of recent years I seek to hold space for myself to allow all of these emotions to run through me, not judging how they show up. Often the result of allowing all of the hard to feel feels… is joy. May these artworks reach in and mend a part of you that is within your reach.
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1. I see you Magpie, 2. Charlie’s Garden, 3. Little Black Cat, 4. Teatime Ms Moor Hen               45 x 45cm mixed media on canvas 

 
Our lifelong adventure urges us to dance within the shadows and the light. Whilst witnessing the unrest, fear and terror within our world, it is still vital to release the fight or flight automatic reactions we have and to find ways to calm the fear, channel the anger, allow the sadness and practice joy.
 
It is an honour to be invited to display my work at Noosa Arts Cafe, I commend the generosity of spirit of Mark & Paula and their team creating a fantastic space where locals and visitors can gather and connect, be nourished and uplifted, surrounded by art and natural beauty.  The NAC : 205 Weyba Road, Noosaville, Qld 4566 
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Nature Spirit acrylic on canvas 103 x 70 cm

thanks for visiting,

 

warmest wishes

Denise x

A Most Painful Question for an Artist

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I sat in my lounge the other day as it was filled with over 70 pieces of my artwork, I’d opened it up to have an Art Sale over the weekend. This felt like both a brave and an embarrassing act of faith and courage.

Hanging the works in one space gave me a jolt of recognition that ‘many of these are the ones that remain’, and where to from here?  It also became quite confronting for me and perhaps if I be kind, a celebration.

I was more than grateful that several pieces sold, the financial support of that is really helpful.

 

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Audio … ‘podcast’ kind of recording.  vimeo link : https://vimeo.com/204308171

As I mention in this audio, one of the most painful questions I still ‘come up against’ is “Did you sell any paintings?” It’s obviously not the question in and of itself, it’s about what I make it mean.

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I’m not looking for platitudes or wanting to take up full time residence in victim mode here, I’m simply aiming curiosity at an aspect of ‘being an artist’ that can really suck. I wonder why this question is seemingly the first one to roll of someones’s tongue.

I don’t think many other workers of pretty much any kind are asked this.

What other questions/things might one say . . .

  • How did it feel having a room filled with your creativity on the wall and people staring at them?
  • Tell me about your favourite piece in this collection.
  • Can I tell you about the one I liked the best?
  • I was most moved by . . .
  • This one made me think of . . .

Before you ask that question of an artist . . . pause . . . what is it you’re really asking, and is there a way you can connect in a new way.

What happens when something goes from being an expression of feelings and emotions and colour.. onto the canvas . . . to an item or product for sale. Can we / I the artist divorce myself from that process? Can I make it less of an issue of success or failure.

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This is on my mind again, will I do the dance to create for the love of it, if it sells – celebrate the exchange. If it does not sell – celebrate the freedom to paint again, paint some more, paint over any I/you choose to.

I speak a bit more about all of this in a ‘podcast’ kind of ‘innerviewthing above that my partner and I recorded Thurs 16 Feb 2017.

I feel I live right in the middle of the paradox. Wanting to paint for the love of it, needing to have financial exchange for my work in some way shape or form . . . if not from making art, perhaps from other creative projects. This year is all about making changes that bring me more into alignment with what I’m meant to be doing here.

Making a living from ones art – this seems to be quite an issue of contention. Reading Big Magic by Liz Gilbert I came up HARD against her words “I don’t make my creativity pay the rent”.

So, I believe I am still in the thick of this inquiry, I am not seeking answers from without so much as from within, but open to sharing a piece of the process with you here. I suspect I am not alone in this quest to make peace with how I/we stay true to the creative spirit within whilst finding authentic, doable ways of ‘making a living’.

Before you ask that question of an artist . . . pause . . . what is it you’re really asking, and is there a way you can connect in a new way.

Denise x

ps. It’s been over a week since the art sale, I’ve decided to remove several of the paintings from their stretchers and let them go. Already I feel an ease when I look at the smooth pine frames without any canvas stretched upon them, they wait patiently to have a new beginning, and hold a new possibility for me. I’ve also started to paint over a selection of them that are ‘done’. I may share some of them in a future blogpost soon. D x

Dear Woman on the train

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To the Woman I saw on the train yesterday

Dear Woman,

May you allow yourself to know

you are worthy of kindness

May you feel a strength welling

up within you to stand up for the one

in you who has been beaten down.

Dear Woman,

I felt the acidity of the words your partner

was striking you with,

throwing abuse at you like it was nothing

like those words weren’t sharp and hurtful,

coming from a bitterness

and an ignorance of their weight.

Dear Man,

I hesitate to call you a man, but that

is the judgement and scorn that arose

in me at seeing, sensing and feeling

the abuse you were hurling into

a public train carriage.

I spoke up for the woman you were with,

and you started verbally abusing me,

you asked who the fuck do I think I am

Dear Man,

I am a concerned human being,

witnessing the abuse of a woman on a train

and knowing IT’S NOT OK.

I am a mother who has grown daughters,

I speak from a place of concern,

What is it in you that is so broken

that you don’t see the pain you are in,

and inflicting on the woman you seem

to be in relationship with.

Dear Couple on the train,

May you wake up,

both you you.

May the courage and love that

resides within you no matter how

deeply covered over and solidified

the container housing that courage is,

be cracked open.

May you be blessed,

you are both capable of so much

better in your life.

May you be blessed.

Continue reading

Mother Love : Hearth & Heart Tender

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Hi dear reader,

This month I am present to what wants to show up for my shared journey into (eCourse land 26 Oct – 18 Jan )  – I am creating the container, ‘Mother Love’ and holding a space for the information to flow in.. and the women to gather.. . . to connect with those who will want to pull up a chair and sit with me at the virtual tea table.

I work within the framework that all feelings are welcomed, there is nothing wrong and nothing to fix. I work best with large amounts of curiositea and courage to go where my heart leads. Observe how things are showing up in my life and see, sense and feel into whether I am choosing how I want to respond or am I being blown about by any breeze and storm.

I believe women need connection and thrive when they feel seen and heard. I am drawn to create an opportunity for that to happen in an online environment, I also do this in live workshop settings, but online is extraordinary as it allows us to be in communication and connection with women all across the world, and they in turn meet women from the other side of the globe from them.

Let us gather in virtual circle together.

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I am an artist, who loves to write, collage, paint, art journal, smashbook (an extremely relaxed form of art journaling)  and extend invitations to hold space for  others to gather, create and listen within for their own inner wise selves to speak to them in words, and pictures, colour and collage.

I am discovering more and more how vitally important it is to treat ourselves with compassion and dedicated self kindness. When I do this, it is vastly more enjoyable and livable inside my thoughts and life. So this is one of the life practices I encourage in all of my classes.

How might you respond to my invitation . . . when I gently encourage you to :

Attend as a Curious Observer and feel into the conversations, pages and journal created, is there part of you that would dearly love to write or gather your own information using creativity and kindness in relation to any stepping stones you wish to follow in relation to Mother Love?

Attend as a Seeker . . . know some questions you have or threads you are ready to follow? Let this be a resource that will meet you where you are. Expect the unexpected, expect a miracle. These things are not so rare as once thought. Openings and connections show themselves as soon as we’re ready to see and find them.

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Attend as Intuitive Feeler . . . the rare bird on the Myers Briggs type indicator. You go by feelings, you’re incredibly sensitive and empathic. You have a heart for healing the world – let this be a soft place of sustenance for you to receive the nourishment you need to tend to your own deep longings first.

Attend as a Deep Diver, ready to put on ‘metaphotical scuba gear’ and submerge into the underworld of what you swim in  . .  bring your curious observer self along for the dive.

Attend as a Hearth and Heart Tender, share in Creativitea Time for the healing and mending it offers, sip tea with your wise inner self and those who gather alongside you for this season, reason, life time.

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Attend as Sovereign Skeptic, Queen of your own domain, work well with all that is in resonance with your Soul. No judgment or schedule is to be checked up on, you’ll know what to do.

Attend as Deeply Caring Woman who must make space and time to Mother herself, meet with others and hear stories of how Mother Love shows up for sisters and friends you have yet to meet.

 

Do you have questions for me? Would you like to meet for a virtual circle on Zoom a week or two before this eCourse is to begin?

Visit the website here for more information on

Mother Love – 12 week journey into our own mystery.

and please add your name to the mailing list for updates on that link.

love,

Denise.

Mother Love : an invitation to circle

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I’m ‘flying by the seat of my pants again’ (in an imaginary red cape, wearing red shoes) . . . and have made the committment to step in to the next offering, I’m feeling pulled to bring out into the world.

It’s called Mother Love, and by that it can be in whatever way you need to immerse yourself in that energy for a 12 week focused time within a group/circle opportunity.

Whether you are grieving the loss of your Mother, or loss of relationship, a difficult relationship, a long distance relationship, exhausted by the desire to be a Mother and it hasn’t happened yet, relating to your own way of showing up as Mother… indeed… Mothering ourselves.. and some I know have a deep relationship with the Divine Mother.

I will be holding the space of facilitator of circle gatherings on Zoom… every 2 weeks during the 12, with a 2 week break over Christmas and New Year time.

(starting 26 October 2016 – 18 January 2017)

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There will be video’s of art journal pages and prompts, conversations and innerviews about what Mother Love means to some of the women in my life, ideas and possibilities – freshly made so they meet us where we are – in this ‘time space continuum’ lol …. reminding me of that crazy Back to the Future movie.

. . . anyhow, dear heart if you seek a soft place to explore some of your Mother Love story… you are welcome, this will be a gentle and kind space, nurturing and I hope nourishing. I am feeling the desire to bring in some kind of ‘hand stitching’ as well.

I’ll share the first video I made in relation to my thoughts behind it’s creation… and on the website you will find another couple of video samples of how I share this work.

 

and a link to the website page for Mother Love, eCourse Circle offering is here.

 

Mother Love is Boundless.

My Mother died earlier in the year, I seek a deep understanding of what I need to know now as a grown woman, and Mother to myself and my two daughters.

I now have space and time to notice what parts of my Mother Love story are life giving in their tenderness? What parts want to be put to rest? Where does it hurt?

I can open my heart to be shown these, I can open my heart to receive the memories that I can hold safe now and bring Grace to the child in me.

I may ask my Grand Mothers’ of generations past.

Show me the legacy, show me what is mine to birth into this world, now that they are beyond the bounds of their human constraints to offer me support in ways I do not fully understand.

~ Denise Daffara

 

much love Denise xx

I am proud of myself that . . .

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When your friend shares with you in an email that a special practice to do at this turn of season time is to spend a little time thinking of all the accomplishments and growth experienced over this past year . . .

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I turned to this rose filled page I’d been saving for a time I’d know it was right to use it. I began to write the phrase my dear friend invited me to be with . . .

“I am proud of myself that…. “

I had no idea it would open a little flood gate and tears would spill out of my eyes, I didn’t realise how difficult it would be to answer this . . .

I realised again how I give so much time to noticing what I’m not doing enough of, how my business isn’t flourishing in the way I think it’s meant to, and it equates to so much focus on not enoughness that it was actually confronting to ask myself, honestly,

What have I done this year that I am proud of?

i-am-proud-of

I’m not sure it’s important to share here what I wrote, what seems most pressing is how it made me feel. I wondered how many other of my friends and connections do this same dance of scarcity.

I am often reminded of the importance of self kindness, I’ve made it my life’s work to be kind to this self I show up as for this life journey.

I was raised in a religion that told me I was worthless without God in the way they wanted me to believe in ‘him’, and now as a 48 year old woman I have come to different conclusions about this God thing and currently believe that we are all part of the Source of life having a human experience, but no less connected to the One than the Pope, Buddha, Jesus or Anyone. I don’t care much for arguing this point of view, this is my page, I get to say whatever I like. I also can’t be bothered to argue for another’s limitations.

This …. this thing… this deeply woven, skein of a belief that holds the note I’m not enough, is really effing toxic.

loved-lovable

Little dd – inner child expressions of wisdom and whimsy by Denise Daffara

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If you’re curious as to what I realised was the thing I was most proud of this year. . .

I’m proud of myself that . . . I was able to be present with my dear Mummah at the time of her death, and now I am learning a new way to live. More real, and more true.

and it hurts sometimes, and like I keep mentioning from time to time (because I’m still learning it) is; to hurt is part of life, to live a full, wide and deep life I must go through those times to discover what is hidden beneath the layers.

Layers I have covered things with

Layers that were tucked in for generations of covering, nothing to see here

Layers of the onion that keep peeling off,

you know… we don’t have a bottomless coffee in this life

we have a bloody never peeled onion.

 

Yours Curiously,

Denise xo