leaf.jpg

This image encapsulates how I feel at the moment.. and for much of today.

It’s about everything, and nothing. I ‘have no right to be sad, upset, whatever’ when there is real suffering going on in the world, says one of my selves. It’s both true, and false.

Another is grieving the loss of my Mother, many of my selves maybe grieve that loss, who knows whether it’s normal to compartmentalise one’s selves in such a way.

I’m reading a book written by a neuro scientist Eben Alexander  who had a NDE (Near Death Experience) and he is now convinced heaven is real : hence his book titled “Proof of Heaven” .. of course I’m choosing to believe it, and then you google to get the link for this post and there’s a bunch of ‘so called’ stories giving the skeptic’s view of his story. Fuck I get over this constant too’ing and fro’ing of what the fuck is this all about anyway?

I have a deep knowing that we are so much more than our crazy minds give us credit for half of the time, and yet, I still succumb to a day of what feels like a ‘pathetic waste of precious time’ to be brutally honest, but it’s ‘what showed up today’.

“What is the gift in this?” I might ask myself.

nup. not ready to go there.

I’ll let gratitude filter back in, I’ll turn on some music. but for now, I’m going to press ‘publish’ so I can have done something today. Something. Not much, doesn’t change a life or save one, but it shows me I’m alive and willing to show up.

Even when the feels are not so fine.

love Denise.

p.s.

and the exhibition date, is looming, I’m freaking out that the new paintings I have been doing are not good enough, .. which leads to I’m not good enough.. so.. really.. it’s no mystery as to how the feeling of that image above comes about. It’s the critic, the self talk that isn’t kind, the feelings of fear and inadequacy stirred up from some long lost childhood time and triggered today.

And. This too shall pass.

 

 

 

 

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